The Change of Life Baby

---

---

The Change of Life Baby

Our family is complete. Two precious little boys fill my life with love, and we are a perfect little unit of four.

And a good thing, too! Infertility had taken away my chances for more babies anyway ~ but yes, we are complete!

Three days before Mother’s Day, I realized that I was late. I suppose? I mean, I really wasn’t keeping track . . . perimenopause and all. I haven’t even monitored my hypothyroid condition since pre-Katrina. So I was late, how late who knows? “So,” I considered, “this is the beginning of the end.” Premature menopause certainly on the way, just as my reproductive endocrinologist predicted.

Stop at the store: buy tampons, maxi-pads . . . and a pregnancy test. You just never know . . . but MY, how I hate those pregnancy tests . . .

+

I have to sit down on the bathroom floor. For half an hour. How is this possible?

It must be a miracle.

My head swimming with excited worry. I had given away all of our baby items, most of the clothes – I didn’t even have a thread of maternity-wear. We’d have to start all over. What about the boys? How would they take it? How would we afford three kids in private school? What about college? Would we ever be able to take family trips to Europe or beyond? What of my dream to teach overseas in the summertime? Maybe we could just go camping in the summers instead . . . somehow we would afford school and college . . . maybe this was a much better dream than my career-goal of summers abroad. Much better . . .

My job situation had changed rather dramatically since my baby boys. I could not count on being that same “Bring Baby to Work” Momma. I’d have to consider infant daycare, and formula instead of exclusively breast feeding. What about my teaching contract? Did I even have short-term disability coverage? Daycare – I have just recently finished pricey daycare with my youngest, for good I thought. I could finally start a real savings plan . . . dashed . . . it would be hard, money would be tight . . . we’d survive, though!

Advanced Maternal Age that I am . . . my mind continued to wander. By the time Baby was my age, I’d be 80 ~ if I make it that far! Wow. Would that be fair? Would I get to know all of my grandchildren?

It would work somehow.

I could wrap my head around this.

It would take a few days, but soon, I could see this precious little one as a real part of our lives. We could all fit in the car, we could rearrange the bedrooms – and a baby! A new soft, sweet smelling, tender little one! Maybe Baby would be sugar and spice and pink things nice . . . a little girly girl to look up to her fine and strong big brothers . . . or maybe another set of snakes and snails and all things grimey and a hundred percent puppy dog . . .

Like me, my husband was filled with mixed emotions. But soon, we are talking about names, and figuring out a living space and a future that includes three children.

We discuss names. Had Baby been a girl, she might have been named “Erin Kelly” – and had Baby been a boy, we decided that “Colin John” was rather nice.

I don’t love you much do I?
Just more than all the stars in the sky!
I don’t love you much do I?
I think you hung the Moon and that’s alright!

Friends sent maternity clothes, and I began shopping for second hand furniture, and soon I’d have a lovely ultrasound picture to at long last, share the joyous news with the boys – that a baby brother or sister was coming!

Yes. This “change of life baby” had changed my life! I could see clearly, now. Where two children had complete us, our very, special little surprise miracle was a very welcome addition, and already part of us.

I braced myself, ever so slightly, for the ultrasound. I’ve had some pretty lousy ultrasounds, after all – but this was a special miracle sent to me so unexpectedly, it simply was to be meant to be . . .

Que sera.

Nothing is ever sure in life. No fetal heart tones. My heart . . . my heart . . . There would not be a lovely ultrasound picture to share. Just another secret to keep. How could I have been so foolish to have fallen in love so quickly ~ my stupid, fool head and heart so wrapped up in this small, surprise baby? Why had Mother Nature played such a cruel trick on me? Again? What kind of karma am I dealing with? What does God want me to learn? How am I supposed to grow from this experience? Or are the laws of the universe just left to unfair chance?

damn

sigh

Working through it all. One day at a time. And here we are again.

Our family is complete. Two precious little boys fill my life with love, and we are a perfect little unit of four.

---

---